In the kingdom of God there’s an order of things, a chain of command so to speak, what we country folk call a ‘pecking’ order.   

 There’s God, Christ, the husband and then the wife. The Word of God says, wives submit yourselves unto your husband as unto the Lord (as you would submit to the Lord). Some women might say that’s not fair but let’s look at it another way….God appoints the husband as the priest/pastor of the family and God will hold the husband responsible for the way God is served in his household. It is up to the husband to declare “as for me and my household we will serve the Lord”.

 1 Corinthians 11 is clear concerning the divine pattern (pecking order) God has established for the husband wife relationship. The husband represents the family before God. He is the “head of the wife” as he submits to the leadership of Christ.  Just as Adam was responsible for his wife the husband today is responsible before God for the spiritual growth and sanctification of the wife and children in the home. The Bible states this in no uncertain terms (see 1 Cor. 11: 1-12, Eph. 5:22-23; Col. 3:18). A clear picture of this is with Adam and Eve. When Eve came to Adam with the forbidden fruit sin had not yet entered into the human race. But when Adam, the head of the race and his wife, took of the fruit at that moment sin entered into the human race. Because Adam failed to lead and protect his wife from sin, the charge and blame fell upon him (see Romans 5:12, Paul placed the sin of the human race not on Eve but on Adam, the representative head.). In essence every woman will marry a pastor because every man is assigned by God to be the spiritual shepherd of the wife and family. Marriages are ultimately a God-ordained institution and union for the purpose of bringing glory to God.  Each person who marries enters into a divine institution that God created. Thus, two people must enter into the relationship with an understanding that in eternity they will be judged according to how they lived and related to one another in love.

 The Scriptures provide a clear organizational structure for a marriage. Following are a couple of typical Scriptures: But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ. (1 Corinthians 11:3). Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it,  just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. (Ephesians 5:22-30) In his commentary on Ephesians, William Hendriksen points out that God “… placed ultimate responsibility with respect to the household on the shoulders of the husband . . . The Lord has assigned the wife the duty of obeying her husband yet . . . this obedience must be a voluntary submission on her part, and that only to her own husband, not to every man.”

 “Head” does not mean male dominance, where a man lords it over a woman and demands her total obedience to his every wish and command. God never viewed women as second-class citizens. His Word clearly states that we are all equally His children and are of equal value and worth before Him. As Galatians 3:28 tells us, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28). The teaching of the New Testament clearly shows that women are to be respected, revered, and treated as equals with men. Unfortunately, many husbands have not gotten the message. They degrade their wives by neglect or with insensitive and abusive treatment. One cause of the feminist movement (womens lib) may have been that men abandoned God’s design. When God presented Eve to Adam in the Garden, Adam received her as a gift of great value to God and him. When husbands, particularly Christian husbands, do not treat their wives as a precious gift from God and helpmate, they can cause those wives to search for a way to find significance and value as persons, and missed love and often outside God’s will.

 Paul says the same to everyone. God has placed the husband in the position of responsibility. It does not matter what kind of personality a man may have. Your wife may be resisting you, fighting you, and spurning your attempts to lead, but it makes no difference.  As a woman this writer believes most wives want and need to be lead. They’re looking for someone to ‘lean’ on. You are not demanding this position; on the contrary, God placed you there. You will not lead her perfectly, but you must care for your wife and family by serving them with perseverance and patience.

 Scripture does more than assign leadership in a marriage to the husband, however. Those same passages you just read also provide a model for that leadership. The Apostle Paul says that the husband is head of the wife as Christ is head of the church. “This comparison of the husband with Christ reveals the sense in which a man should be his wife’s “head.” Hendriksen writes, “He is her head as being vitally interested in her welfare. He is her protector. His pattern is Christ Who, as head of the Church, is its Savior!”

 Many husbands of today neglect their responsibilities to their families causing the wives to have to assume the role of mother and father, having to take jobs outside of the home in order to support their families while their ‘dead beat husbands’ do their own thing. They’re also having to take on the role of leadership in their families. I’m here to tell you God is not happy with these men and they will answer to Him. Also I have to say there are some wives who want to be as men, to be the head and to try to dominate their husbands. I tell you God is not happy with that attitude either.

 Ephesians 5:25 reads, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” Your unconditional acceptance of your wife is not based upon her performance in or out of the bed, but on her worth as God’s gift to you. If you want your wife to love you unconditionally, always be sure her emotional tank is full. One of the best ways to do that is to affirm her constantly. Let her know verbally that you value her, respect her, and love her.

 There is no question that words communicate love, but so do actions. You need to do both.  Actions do speak louder than words!  As the Apostle John wrote in one of his letters: “let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth” (1 John 3:18). One of the missing ingredients in male leadership in homes is sacrificial action. When was the last time you gave up something for your wife, something you genuinely valued, like watching your favorite football game, a fishing trip, or your hobby? Sometimes you need to give up something you enjoy so your wife can have a break and see your love for her. This writer would recommend a ‘date’ night. Call your wife on the phone and make a date with her. Wives, really go all out for your husband, fix your hair, put on some make up and put on his favorite perfume. Fix yourselves up just like you did when you were trying to ‘catch’ him. *smile* Get a baby sitter, for the night if possible. Take the time to enjoy each other, get back to your first love.  Keep the romance in your marriage.

 According to the New Testament, being head of your wife does not mean being her master, but her servant. Again, Christ is our model for this type of leadership. Jesus did not just talk about serving; He demonstrated it when he washed His disciples’ feet (John 13:1-17). Christ, the Head of the Church, took on the very nature of a servant when He was made in human likeness (Philippians 2:7).

 One of the best ways to serve your wife is to understand her needs and try to meet them. Do you know what your wife’s top three needs are right now? If she is a young mother, she has a certain set of basic needs. If your children are grown and gone and you are in the empty nest, your wife has a different set of needs that you should try to meet. What is she worried about? What troubles her? What type of pressure does she feel? Learn the answers to questions like that, and then do what you can to reduce her worries, her troubles, her pressures. Wives, I say the same to you….do you know what worries your husband? What type of pressure is he under? What can you do to reduce his worries, his pressures. The husband is not only to serve the wife but the wife is to serve the husband. Wives, respect your husband, never belittle or put him down. Instead brag on him and praise him.  As one country singer puts it….stand by your man!

 Wives, you are to love your husbands. To love your husband means that you are a partner with him, working together toward a common goal. (Love is not two people standing and gazing into each others eyes but it’s two people walking the same path.) Then you can be appreciative of his actions, efforts and work in supporting the family. You will do all that you possibly can to see that they are comfortable and happy when they come home. There’s a saying, a man’s home is his castle, wives make that so. Make your home a place of refuge for your husband, a place where he can come and escape the pressures of the world, his job. “To love their husbands” is a command. Too often this is equated by men to believe it is only a sexual relationship and in the mind of some women, that is all they think they are good for. Not so! Husbands, you are to make your wives feel she is more than just a sex object. Love her and appreciate her as the gift from God she is.

 What do you know about your wife’s/husband’s hopes and dreams? I bet she/he has plenty, do you know what they are? Are you cultivating his/her gifts? Has your wife been called to the ministry? If your wife is one of the many women who have been ‘called’ into the ministry, back her in every way you can.  Be there for her, praying and lifting her to the Father constantly. Don’t be jealous of her calling, rejoice that she’s made herself available to be used by Abba Father. Don’t ever think just because she’s a wife and mother, she can’t be used by God and for the glory of God. But wives, you must always remember that your first calling is to your husband and family and your misson field should first be your home. The Word of God says He will pour out His Spirit on all flesh, your wife included. If she’s a godly woman, she’ll be able to hear from God too, listen to her and then pray together about it. God will not tell one something without confirming it to the other. When God joined you together you became one and He will honor that. He sees you as one not as two!

 Providing for your wife also means taking the initiative in helping meet her spiritual needs. You do this by modeling godly character, by praying with her, by spending time together in God’s Word, and by looking for ways to encourage her spiritually.

 To be a leader, a lover, and a servant is to accommodate your life to the life of the gift God has given you, your wife. Give up your life for hers and, at the Judgment Seat of Christ, He will say, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant.”

In His love,
Elizabeth